You thought that the sadomasochist sex games in “Fifty Shades of Grey” were hot stuff? Think again. Handcuffs, masks and whips are nothing but child’s play compared to the true S&M experience I’m inviting you to discover.
First, the foreplay.
Turn on your TV and sit through the news broadcast of all local channels. It starts at 7pm and ends at 9pm. During this time, you’re not allowed to move. Not allowed to look away. Not allowed to take a Panadol against your growing headache, or a Primperan against your overwhelming nausea.
You’re horny now? Good.
Turn off the TV and go to the bathroom. Undress. Get in the shower. Open the tap and let the water flow. Cover you entire body with soap and your hair with shampoo. Your eyes closed, reach for the tap and find out that there’s no more water. Open your eyes and let the shampoo burn them. Step out of the shower. Run to the kitchen and grab a bottle of mineral water. On your way back, lights go off. Power cut.
Wait few long minutes, naked, covered in soap and shampoo, for the generator to start. It obviously doesn’t. Rush back to the bathroom in the dark. Slip. Fall. Let the bottle escape you. Hear the water splash as the bottle hits the floor. Stand up and return to the kitchen. Hit a wall on your way there. Look for another bottle of mineral water. Find one. Wait in vain for the generator to start. Then go on anyway. Walk slowly this time. Reach the bathroom. As you can’t see a thing, tear the curtain as you step into the shower. Rinse as much soap and shampoo as you can with the 1.5 liter the bottle holds. When you’re done, the generator starts and lights come back.
Enjoying it so far? Excellent. It’s only the beginning.
Get dressed and go out. If it’s Friday, take your car and engage on the Beirut-Jounieh highway. Let your pleasure increase slowly as your vehicle, trapped in a chaotic gridlock of thousands of other vehicles, moves one inch every half hour. Open the windows and take in the exhaust fumes, the strident cacophony of horns and the flowery insults of angry drivers trying to run over each other. To maximize the thrill, turn on the radio and listen to the same french songs it’s been playing for the past thirty years. When you reach your destination, look for a parking space. Fully appreciate the utter pointlessness of that. After driving around for a long time, give your car to a valet, knowing that he will return it somehow damaged. Join the people you came to meet and start a political debate. Listen to them repeat word for word what you’ve already heard during your two-hours TV foreplay. Then watch them fight over who’s going to pay the check.
Ready to climax? Wait. Hold it. It’s not over yet.
Spend the whole weekend trying hard to have a meaningful conversation with anyone about anything. When Monday morning comes, take the same highway on your way back. It’s only when you reach Beirut, after many hours of excruciating pain, and you encounter the aggressive ten-cars motorcade of a politician taking his kids to school, that you can let go and have the most memorable orgasm of your life.
© Claude El Khal, 2015