Monday, September 12, 2016

Lebanon goes to the doctor

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Lebanon is in a bad shape. He has been for a while. His body has been hurting, inside and out. So he went to the doctor and did all the necessary tests. Today, he goes back to get the results.

- Bonjour docteur.

- Bonjour Lebanon, please sit down.

- So what is it ya hakim, give it to me straight!

- It’s not that simple.

- What do you mean?

- You’re case is mind-boggling, you have everything to be perfectly fine, but your condition is worsening by the day, maybe even by the hour.

- What’s wrong with me?

- You have a very rare and unique disease called Bajamiosis.

- Ya 3adra, ya Nabi…

- Bajamiosis means that millions of bajam cells are roaming in your body corrupting and destroying everything they come in contact with.

- What’s a bajam cell??

- A bajam cell is a voraciously stupid and arrogant cell.

- …

- They have a weird pattern: they act as if each bajam cell is independent from the others, as if the others don’t exist, but they move in groups, following larger za3im cells. Every za3im cell is always in conflict with other za3im cells, so the bajam cells following them are in constant war among each other.

- That’s weird…

- What’s even weirder is that the za3im cells absorb all the vitamins in your body, and only feed a small limited number of bajam cells, while all the others are left with nothing. But yet, they keep following the za3im cells.

- Why do they do that?!

- We don’t know… It doesn’t make any sense.

- Shoul 7al ya hakim, is there a cure?

- We tried some treatments on the tissue sample we took: we injected a serum called zaka, but the bajam cells were immune to it. We tried another one called mannte2, but it didn’t work either.

- So khalas..?

- Not at all. While we were doing these tests, something odd happened. We thought it would be a good idea to document the research. So we brought in a camera. As soon as we turned it on, both bajam and za3im cells started acting out.

- Uff…

- Then something even stranger happened: we were working late, so we ordered dinner. When it arrived, one of the doctors took out some money to pay for it. As soon as he did, the bajam and za3im cells went literally crazy. It’s like they wanted to jump out of the petri dish.

- Uff uff…

- And when the money disappeared, they calmed down. But they were still acting out. When we turned off the camera, they went back to their usual destructive pattern.

- Uff uff uff…

- We repeated the experience many times. Turn on the camera, take out some money, turn off the camera, hide the money, and so on. We came to the conclusion that bajam and za3im cells are irrepressibly attracted to both cameras and money. And when these two are combined, the cells will do anything to reach them.

- What’s the solution?

- We are working on a vaccine that mixes both show-off and financial corruption. A tailor-made chemical solution that will attract the bajam and za3im cells out of your body, curing you from Bajamiosis.

- That’s great news!!

- Yes. But we’re not there yet. The disease is very aggressive and is progressively destroying everything. So while we synthesize the vaccine, we need to stop, or at least slow down, its destructive pattern.

- Ok…

- You need to be immediately admitted in intensive care, in a special unit designed exclusively for you. You’ll be in a room with hundreds of camera pointed at you and surrounded by dozens of interns waving money. That way, the bajam cells will be distracted from destroying what’s left of you.

- Aaakh ya hakim…

- I know, I know, you need to be strong. Yours is a unique and complex case. But we have to be positive. Together, we will cure you, Inchallah!

- One last question docteur.

- Yes?

- Can we do it live on Facebook?

© Claude El khal, 2016


Ibrahim Haidar إِبْرَاهِيمْ حَيدرْ said...

Bitter as much as it is true.

Chemotherapy for the corrupt, maybe when poverty hits hard enough people will realize corruption only makes things worse. Maybe when the pollution spread to literally be a chemotherapy.

Anonymous said...

I like it
It is So true

Anonymous said...

Not only positively incurable but the disease will worsen till Lebanon as we knew it disappears and a "new" Lebanon replaces it. By that time the good people left would have.. left!!!!