Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The secret (and fictional) phone call between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton

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If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton had a secret phone conversation after the latest presidential debate, what would they have said to each other?

- Hey Donald.

- Hey girl.

- It was a good debate. Numbers show I won.

- That's great. So it's working!

- It is, but not as well as we expected.

- I don’t understand, I keep saying the most horrible things and they still love me…

- People are dumb.

- A few days ago, I even called the terminally ill to vote for me before they died. You’d think something like that would do it and end my campaign! But no, they keep cheering and clapping.

- You need to do more.

- More than I’m already doing?

- Yes, more and worse, much much worse.

- I’m sick of it, Hillary, everyone thinks I’m a pig.

- You’re a pig, Donald, that’s why we chose you.

- Yeah, alright.

- But clearly the chauvinistic spin is not working. Not enough anyway. And there’s not much time left. You have to drive everyone away from you. Fast. And get most republicans to vote for me.

- You saw how I lurked behind you while you were talking during the debate? Very scary, huh!

- Yes, but it didn’t work either.

- I just got frightening thought: what would happen if I won? It looks like it could happen...

- Then we’d have to pull an Oswald on you.

- Dear God…

- I have to win this, Donald, your job is to help make it happen, and make the American people believe they sill have a choice, they still live in a democracy.

- I gotta confess, I never thought they’d be so gullible.

- I told you, people are dumb.

- What if I pulled out?

- You can’t pull out, you’re the only one who makes me look good. If you pull out and someone else comes froward and announce his candidacy, I'm done, people will start to see the real me. We don’t want that, do we? Donald, you're the best scarecrow ever. Can't replace you.

- What about Gaddafi, or this Assad guy from Syria?

- Don’t try to be funny, you’re not funny.

- Okie-dokie…

- I have an idea.

- Shoot.

- Make a statement tonight about pets.

- Pets?

- Yes, pets: dogs, cats, hamsters, canaries. Pets are big. Very popular. Say if you were elected president you’d clean the country from pets. No more pets. That should do it.

- Sounds good, I'll call Fox News. Can I make animal noises with my statement?

- Great idea.

- Perfect, this should be fun.

- Ok, bye Donald.

- Bye Hillary, say hello to Bill.

© Claude El Khal, 2016

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