You really want to be successful in Lebanon? Throw away all your self-help books! Here’s the only recipe you’ll ever need.
1. Always act as if you were the only person in the world, others barely exist to serve you or profit from.
2. Always hide what you really think when you’re in front of people but feel free to express your opinion of them as soon as they leave.
3. Always act as if everyone is your best friend but never hesitate to courageously stab him or her in the back.
4. Always be nice and polite, even slimy and servile, towards people who have power over you, and always treat people you have power over as inferior creatures barely deserving of your glance.
5. Always act like a deeply pious person in public, but secretly give up all your beliefs and worship the country’s one true God: money.
6. Always use the expressions “7aram édamé” when you talk about an honest person and “zaké, chater, bravo 3lé” when you mention a thief.
7. Always think of corruption, hypocrisy and lies as good positive things, and integrity, honesty and kindness as terrible flaws.
8. Always treat your country as a garbage dump but sing hymns and songs about how beautiful it is, and never forget to shed a tear and blame others anytime someone shows you the damage you’ve done.
9. Always applaud, cheer and fill your Facebook wall when a Lebanese shines anywhere in the world, but fight excellence in your own environment, only mediocrity is safe.
10. Always express yourself in goody-goody clichés but never be afraid to use populist speeches and empty slogans, or even spread sectarian hatred, especially if you want to start a promising career in politics.
If you manage to do all this, congratulations, you’re on your way to a very successful life in Lebanon.