Thursday, June 23, 2016

The Ultimate Guide to Celebratory Gunfire

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Your son just passed the Brevet? You want to express your joy and show your manhood – and his – by frantically firing your gun into the air, but you want to do it properly, according to celebration etiquette? This Ultimate Guide to Celebratory Gunfire is for you!

For the Birth of a Boy, fire a Hand Gun 

Your first son! A new proud male is born into the world. Not just any new proud male, your own flesh and blood. If that’s not a cause for celebration, what is? To do it properly, and prove that you’re a real man, you need to fire your gun into the air. If I were a gun salesman, my ad would write itself: Got a son? Fire a gun!

For the Brevet, fire an AK-47

The Brevet. The first diploma. Your little man is growing up. He's no longer a child. That’s something to be proud of, something to celebrate. Your celebration tool of choice here is the AK-47, also known as Klashin. Its elegant takakakaka is so much more joyful than any common firecrackers.

For the Baccalauréat, fire an M-60

The Baccalauréat – pronounce Bakalôrya – marks the end of your son teenage years. His pimples have disappeared and his raging hormones are starting to calm down. His frantic self-pleasuring days will soon be replaced by the manic desire to get into every female panties he comes across. To celebrate this historical moment, you need a M-60 machine gun. It’s a step above the Klashin, as the Bakalôrya is a step above the Brevet.

For a University Diploma, fire a Dushka

Your son has finally graduated. His education has cost you a fortune, and you want to celebrate the end of your financial burden along with his first steps into adulthood. Soon he’ll get a job and start fulfilling his sole purpose in life: making money. On his graduation day, you need a Dushka – ideally mounted on a small truck, it’s much sexier.

For your Son’s Wedding, fire an RPG-7

Finally, your son has become a man. He's getting married, and in a few months will turn you into a proud grandfather. On this occasion, you need to pump it up a notch and move from bullets to rockets. You need something light, practical, easy to put away in case you need to dance with the bride. But you also need something that goes boom! Something loud and manly, something like the famous RPG-7, also known as Airpégé.

For the Best Employee of the Month Award, fire a Tank

Your son, your pride, has started his professional career with a bang – so to speak. He just received the Best Employee of the Month Award. To properly celebrate you need something as grounded as you hope his career will be. And what other than a tank to do that in style?

For a Prestigious Award, fire a 150mm / 240mm Canon

Later on in life, your pride and joy could be honored for his many achievements. He could receive many different types of prestigious awards or decorations: a Légion d’Honneur, an Academy Award, a Pulitzer Prize or a Murex d’Or. To celebrate this amazing event, you need to bring out the big guns. You can choose from a wide range of canons, from 150mm to 240mm, depending on how ecstatic you are.

For becoming a Grandfather, fire a Stalin Organ

You finally became a grandfather. Your seed has yet again proven that it’s a strong seed, capable of perpetuating the species and carrying on your family name. This special occasion needs a special celebration and even more special weapon, one that truly expresses the power of your seed: the Stalin Organ – such a romantic name for a multiple rocket launcher! It’s called after Joseph Stalin, a great weapon lover as yourself. But you can also called it Réjmé.

For the Nobel Peace Price, fire an Atomic Bomb 

Atomic bombs are difficult to find. But so is getting a Nobel Peace Prize, especially for someone raised by a man like you, so found of his guns. But as unlikely as it may be, the Ultimate Guide to Celebratory Gunfire can’t ignore this possibility. To truly celebrate such an ultimate achievement, you need the ultimate weapon: the Atomic Bomb. Because let’s face it: for a Nobel, you gotta have the megatons!

© Claude El Khal, 2016

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