Friday, December 30, 2016

My predictions for 2017

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At the end of every year, there’s a tradition in Lebanon that requires psychics and clairvoyants of all kinds to predict the future. But this year, the First Lady of predictions, the one and only Leila Abdel Latif, will sadly not enlighten us with what she sees for the year to come. So, as a total selfless act of patriotism, I decided to fill that void and give you my own predictions for 2017 and beyond.

- Saad Hariri will take more selfies than decisions.

- There will be a new electoral law – sometimes during the 21st century.

- Most Lebanese will vote for the same politicians they’ve been insulting for the past 8 years, then resume insulting them after the elections.

- To the question “when things will start changing in Lebanon?” president Aoun will answer: “halla2tniyé” and Samir Geagea will confirm: “akid, akid, akid”.

- Gebran Bassil will officially demand to be called fakhamet el wazir.

- Samy Gemayel will make inflammatory speeches denouncing everything he’ll do next.

- Before starting a 6-year-long hibernation, Sleiman Frangieh will send a secret message to president Aoun telling him: "wake me up before you go-go".

- Nabih Berri will remain head of Parliament until Trump’s grandson is elected as US president.

- Hezbollah will leave Syria when Fairuz songs are played on loud speakers in every Syrian city and village.

- Lebanese women will finally take to the streets, but only because there’s a shortage of silicone.

- Every Lebanese will swear to fight corruption until he’s given a nice fat check.

- There will be 4.3 million new political parties in Lebanon, one for every Lebanese.

- L’Orient-Le Jour will be truthful to its editorial line and open a trendy nightclub.

- Pope Francis will move his headquarters to OTV because they have more priests than the Vatican.

- Internet speed will increase dramatically, from snail-like to turtle-like.

- Politicians will stop stealing public money – between midnight and 7am.

- In order to fight traffic jam, the government will ban Les Confitures Bonne Maman.

- In January and February many Lebanese will catch a pneumonia trying to prove they can ski and swim on the same day.

- A long-term solution to the garbage crisis will be found by changing its name from Zbélé to Tourass Watané.

- The water problem will be solved, but not in Lebanon.

- After reading these predictions, there will be a massive demonstration in Martyrs Square demanding the return of Leila Abdel Latif.

© Claude El Khal, 2016