Sunday, September 17, 2017

The iPhone X anti-Lebanese conspiracy

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Beware! Apple is out to get Lebanon and is planning to do it through its most vulnerable citizens: the unfortunate fashionistas that can afford a thousand dollars phone.

These unfortunate fashionistas would buy anything signé, especially if it has a tag with a big number followed by a dollar sign written on it.

The Apple conspirators know it. They know the Lebanese fashionistas will rush on the new iPhone X and then parade it around, making sure everyone is aware that their husband is as generous as he is wealthy.

After bragging about it, these unaware ingénues will do the irreparable: activate facial recognition. Oblivious that they’ll soon get locked out. Forever imprisoned in a whatsappless reality.

Lebanese fashionistas with generous and wealthy husbands visit every so often their plastic surgeon. Get a facelift here and an injection there. Even a little enhancement on occasions. In other words, they don’t look the same on Friday as they did on Monday.

Which means they’d need a new iPhone X after every visit to their favorite docteur. Obviously, their husbands, as wealthy as they may be, wouldn't be generous enough to indulge in such extravagance. They'd still need to cater for the babe they sugar on the side.

Deprived of Whatsapp, of Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, cruelly banned from sharing selfies, fashionistas will get depressed, start decaying and ultimately become suicidal. Which could cause a serious problem to the country at large.

No more Lebanese fashionistas would mean no more giant SUVs blocking narrow Beirut streets. It would also mean deserted rooftop bars, closed down hairdressing salons and plastic surgery clinics. The end of civilization as we know it.

The masses would take over, Lebanon would return to the Stone Age and no one would ever say Yiii again.

© Claude El Khal, 2017